The Boy Who Cried Rapture

It was 11PM, May 21, a beautiful springtime Saturday night in a rural town called Honesdale, Pennsylvania. I was in a convenience store, over by the magazines and newspapers, when the headline hit me, jumping off the front page of the New York Daily News, in huge block print.

“BUY THIS PAPER!” it screamed out. Below this, in smaller print, it said “This may be your last chance!” It was an over-the top, bellylaugh style of humor, rather unusual for the front page of this venerable old tabloid. Picking the paper up, I was directed to Page 3, where I perused the details of the latest “End of the World” scare.

Skimming thorough the article I noticed that the deadline for “The End” was 6:00 PM. This deadline had passed five hours prior, seemingly without incident in the little town of Honesdale. And it was reasonable to assume that nothing Apocalyptic had occurred anywhere else either. In light of this, the sarcastic front page seemed even more self-satisfied, more mocking, as it was clear that the Doomsday people had goofed again.

The “believers” were indeed an easy target now, and for a moment I actually felt bad for them. I marveled at the Bible’s capability of skewing people’s thinking. I didn’t personally know anyone who had bought into this latest scare, but it was well publicized in the weeks leading up to May 21, enough for lighthearted banter among the nonbelievers.

The Daily News article focused on an 89-year old TV evangelist named Harold Camping, who was the instigator of this latest End of The World Campaign. I’d seen him on his Cable TV show once. He was soft spoken and pedantic, with a seemingly unassailable knowledge of the Book of Revelations.

Mr. Camping had been adamant about something called “The Rapture”, which I researched the next day. It was quite impressive. We’re not talking about an asteroid smashing the earth to pieces. In fact, the predicted “End of the World” is a 2-part process, starting with the separation of the good folks from the bad folks.

When the “Rapture” happens, 200,000,000 million souls -- about 3% of the world’s population these days -- will immediately ascend to heaven. They will literally vaporize into their spiritual essences, leaving behind their clothes, shoes, eyeglasses and Timex watches for the scavengers and the Salvation Army. It would certainly be the end of earthly life for these righteous people, a beautiful and painless transition, perhaps with lovely cloud formations and John Williams orchestral music as a backdrop.

The rest of us - the other 97% - would go through 5 months of war, famine,  disease, financial collapse, natural disasters, further global warming, $9.00 gasoline, and a new “Rocky” movie, just to name a few things. These awful events, called Tribulations, would culminate on October 21, with an honest-to-goodness End Of The World Event of some kind.

Agnostic heathen that I am, I would certainly be excluded from the 200 million Chosen People of the Rapture That Will Happen One of These Years. The “believers” fully expect that they will be included in the elite 3%. They assume themselves to be part of the highest, most virtuous tier of humanity.

This is awfully arrogant, and it gives the rest of us the right to mock them, thumb our noses at them, print funny newspaper headlines about them, put bananas in their tailpipes, throw eggs at them on Halloween.

And maybe they won’t care. They had each other for moral support as the May 21 “Last Day” approached; they now have each other’s moral support in the embarrassing aftermath.

I wonder if any of these people really put their money where their mouths are.    The news article said nothing of people giving up their soon-to-be unneeded jobs, homes, cars, and gym memberships. It would seem that the believers were hedging their bets on what would happen on May 21.

As well they should. There’s a long list of failed Rapture Predictions -- some 44 over the past 150 years.  Given this history, it's a wonder that anyone takes it seriously.  

But they most certainly do;  for better or worse,  we can pretty much count on more Doomsday preachers like Mr. Camping down the road,  with a flock of followers who love the idea of a glorious Divine End to this nasty planet.

Disappointed Rapture-ites were interviewed this morning, and they said that the Biblical predictions must be correct, however it was human miscalculation that set the incorrect date and the false alarm. After hiding for almost two days, Mr. Camping has re-surfaced, admitting to a mistake. It’s Strike Two for him, his previous mis-prediction occurring in 1994.

He now claims that both the Rapture AND the Tribulations will occur on October 21, exactly five months after the failed May 21 date.   Who knows,  perhaps by that time he'll meet his Maker the old-fashioned way.  He's 89 after all, and sounding loonier all the time.   If I were the Lord, I’d get rid of this guy and find someone who can get “The Date” right, for once and for all.